I haven’t forgotten about you but to say I have over committed in August would be an understatement and I am just coming out of the pointy end now.
August has kicked my arse like a mother fucker.
But I think anything is bearable if there is an end date, so as I limp through August, I can see the light becoming brighter with every day that I cross-off the calendar.
I delivered my book to my publisher very late last night. It was healing and beautiful to write. I hope it is seen that way when it is out in the world in 2020. I have dedicated it to my Grandmothers’, as it’s a Grandmother sort of a book and they were both so special and kind to me. I was lucky to have them in my life for as long as I did. And I am so grateful my daughter had special memories of one of them in particular.
This is really the first book I have written since my Father died nearly five years ago. It feels right and it feels where I am supposed to be. I think I forgot who I was for a long time. I cared for so many other people in the last five years that I forgot to care for myself, which I chose to do, so don’t feel sorry for me please. But today I started with a personal trainer because I am in my 40’s and I need to get my shit together.
It was awful and good at the same time and now my stomach hurts and I have a sweaty hairstyle but I feel better for doing it. I think I need to approach exercise like cleaning my teeth. You just have to do it. It’s okay not to like doing it but you still have to do it. I sit in a chair all day as a job, so this will be good to release the hunch I am currently growing, and I do not mean a wise insight!
I saw my daughter for the first time in seven months. She was back for a whirlwind time and then back to uni and her boyfriend and her very busy life over the seas. We talk all the time but it’s not the same as seeing her in person. I realised how much our relationship has shifted and it was nice. I think parenting goes a bit sour when you forget that you have adult children, and treat them like they’re still naive and unaware. She’s doing her thing and doing it well and all I can do is support and cheer from the sidelines. She’s playing her own game now and it’s amazing to watch.
I have had some lovely chats with friends lately. My dear friend Fiona calls friends your logical family as opposed to your biological family. I love my friends so much. I was talking to my friend Anna last night whose Mum was like a Mum to me and we were laughing about her Mum’s antics and I felt such love for her. We call each other our soul sisters as lost our sisters, in difference circumstances but still, we are biologically sister-less together but logically sisters by choice. There is a sense of understanding and patience with friends you have had for a long time. We get why some things are hard because we know the history and the loss, the arguments and the pain. We know where the wounds are and we respect that.
Tonight I am off to see my son play lots of music for a competition and I am taking his best friend who lived with us for a while and who is also a talented DJ who just won a big competition so it will be fun and I can’t wait to see all the music. My son’s sweet girlfriend is so excited to see him play also, that support is always so lovely and important from the ones who love you.
That’s it for me. I hope you are well and being good to yourself and others.
I missed you.